Posts tagged ‘nostalgia’



for almost five years, my saturday nights either consisted of heels & booze, working, or heels, booze & working. i used to be able to drink until the wee hours of the morning, get a couple hours of sleep and then go straight back to work or homeworking. i used to be able to drink a lot of people under the table. and when a friend asked me to go out, i would never say no.

nowadays, i’m a completely different person.

my saturday nights now consist of movies and dinner, rather than crowded, over-priced bars. they might even consist of staying in and playing games. if i do drink, i cut myself off at two. my bed time is 10:30; 11:30 if i’m feeling daring.

i am not really sure how or when this transformation took place, but it’s sometimes disheartening. most times i am content with this new life, but on occasion, i miss the old carefree, fun me.

this saturday consists of moccasins, green tea, laundry & harry potter.

lame or grown up?



home is a term that changes throughout the years.

when you are very young, home is comforting and safe. in your teens, home is restricting. when you are in college, home is a relaxing get-away. in your twenties, home is something that cannot seem to be obtained.

my friend kate said that her town is like a black hole. so is mine. but in all reality, all small towns are like black holes. no one ever leaves and when you try, you somehow get dragged back in.

my mother and i have moved around many times throughout my life, but the one place we always came back to was coloma, michigan. coloma is one of the smallest towns. it consists of six bars, one movie theater, three gas stations and hundreds of farms – as does every single town within a thirty mile radius. the closest ‘big’ city is kalamazoo, which is about forty minutes away. most of the people here are small minded, opinionated and gossipy. but those are things i got used to.

what i haven’t gotten used to, however, are the memories that seem to haunt me every time i visit. the minute i walk into my room, i see jeremy. when i drive downtown, i think of high school and all the drama that came with it. right next door is my grandfather’s grave. three doors down is my former best friends’ home. it feels like every time i come around, i get ambushed by the past.

the older i get, the more i yearn for my own home.

a place i am in love with; a place i can redo, decorate and make my own; a place to grow.

a place to make new memories.

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these last ten years.

this week’s topic : if you had five minutes and were able to travel back ten years, what would you tell yourself?

this was the hardest topic i could possibly imagine doing, because facing everything that has happened in the past ten years is extremely difficult. theoretically telling your thirteen year old self, is worse.


the second i would see her, i’d tell her to sit down & take out a pen and paper – this would be a lot of information in a short amount of time, and our memory is not the greatest. first i would start with the little things : even though braces suck, keep them. they’ll be worth it. but please please please don’t lose our retainer; stop picking at your face now, so that you don’t keep doing it at 23; enjoy your little cousin that’s on the way – she is our ‘mini-me’; don’t worry about the baby fat, you’ll lose it in two years – but lay off the ice cream when you get older; give high school your all, because you will go to and graduate from a great university.

she would nod and write things down, but then she would impatiently say “but what about boys!?” well… that could take more than the couple minutes that we have. i would tell her the main things though – the crush you have at 15? just leave it alone because it’s totally not worth it. but the boy you fall deeply in love with at seventeen? let it happen. his name is jeremy and he will be one of the most important people in your life. know that you cannot change him, but cherish the time you have with him because he will be gone before you know it. and if you ever have the urge to call and talk to him [specifically on a particular day in december], do it. i’d also tell her that she will eventually meet an amazing man who loves her, supports her and takes her as she is.

i would then tell her that, sadly, she is not living in california. yet. however, she made it out of michigan! but not that far… just to illinois – north of chicago. and no, she doesn’t have a big girl job. yet. but she is searching and hoping for something perfect to fall into her lap.

the most important things i would tell her would be about her mother and her grandfather. i would explain to her that the sudden death of her grandfather would shake her and her mother’s world – so she needs to spend as much time as possible with them. don’t turn inward and become bitter with everyone and everything, because it does not fix anything or bring him back to life. and remember that even though she is so similar to madre and butt heads often, know that she loves you and would do anything for you.

even though i would wish for more time to talk more about everything, i would leave her with some pieces of advice. music will become your best friend. turn to it when you need guidance or relief. keep pushing and strive for bigger and better. never settle. never lose that independent stubbornness – it is what has gotten you thus far. and finally, be strong. even though the next ten years are going to be a roller coaster, you will get through them alive and well.