this morning i sat in the sunshine at my desk, drinking tea w/soy milk & honey, watching my kittens run around crazily – from the kitchen to their tree house to the bathtub. i hope the downstairs neighbors don’t hate us. let’s be real.. they probably do.

my phone rang – it was an area code that i didn’t recognize.. so i forwarded it to voicemail. lately, i have been receiving weird calls from businesses who saw my resume on career builder & want to meet with me for a sales position. this one company called me twice, texted me AND emailed me – all in the same day. when i googled their name, i found a whole discussion board dedicated to their scam. even if it wasn’t a scam, i still wouldn’t meet with them. nowhere in my resume/qualifications/etc. does it say that i should be working in sales. it’s just not me. do i know how to sell things? sure. am i terrific at it? not really, because it is not something i want to do.

am i being too picky?

i miss being a part of something, though – working all day & feeling accomplished, whether it’s at school or at work. but other times i don’t hate being unemployed. i get time to watch the rachael ray show/the nate berkus show/the ellen show, to read, workout, photog & blog. then when adam gets home, we have time to cook dinner, watch our shows or go out. and if i ever want to meet someone for coffee or lunch, i’m able to. it’s not too bad.

what i’m trying to say is… drumroll please… i am finally okay with being unemployed.

i recently read a book [poser by claire dederer] about a forty year old mother/wife who used yoga as an escape from her life. she struggled with childhood anxiety from her parents unnatural ‘divorce’ and the urge to be perfect – the perfect mother by buying organic food & toys ; the perfect wife by working from home to take care of everything ; the perfect woman by staying fit, judging others & driving the biggest SUV. but after a couple years of continuous yoga practice which practically became therapy, claire realized that perfection and judgment were contributing to her life in a negative way. she said “it was interesting to think that when judgment fell away, what you ended up with was clarity”.

i judge. A LOT. i judge what people wear, say, do, act, etc. but more than anything, i judge myself. i judge that i am an unemployed 23 year old doing nothing with her life. i have set so many high expectations for myself, that i judge myself for not hitting all of them. but when i read this particular line in claire’s book, i stopped in my tracks. is this judging bringing me happiness? no. it’s only bringing me more stress and pressure. i am only twenty three years old. why am i in such a hurry?

i should be savoring these moments of sunshine & kitty watching, instead of beating myself up.


3 Comments to “realization.”

  1. You’re right. You shouldn’t worry. Savor the moments while you’re young. At 23, I had just graduated college and was on the career track, which makes me into the workaholic I am today. I haven’t had a break and I conditioned myself to work, work, work. :/

    However, I can’t say that I’m okay with being unemployed because I feel like at 26 I should be on my own with a stable career. Even after being unemployed for three weeks, I feel like a failure, floundering in life.

    And it’s great that Claire’s words really hit a wire with you. I can’t say that the same thing would resonate with me (even though you and I are very similar), but here’s hoping I find some clarity somewhere.

    Heart you, lady! :) :) Great post!

  2. heart you, too! and don’t worry – everything will fall into place for us eventually <3

  3. Alright, girl, I just clicked on your blog via Twitter for the first time and started reading through some of your posts. I like your writing style – it kind of reminds me of my own. I will be an avid follower of your blog now :)
    In response to this particular post:
    First of all – I suggest taking your resume off career builder like, asap, because those calls won’t stop. And they just increase in frequency. And yes, they are ALL scams. I fell for one early on because I, like you, was desparate to fill the “doing something with my life” void and it ended up being such a disaster and so humiliating that I didn’t see the red flags and fell into their trap interview anyway. Thankfully, I figured it out after the whirlwind 15 minute interview where a model-looking guy who couldn’t have been more than a year older than me and claimed to be VP didn’t want to talk about anything related to my resume. I turned them down when they called me back about an hour later and wanted a “second interview” the next day (which I read online is really them sending you out into ghetto streets trying to sell coupons door to door with no pay.) My point is, trust your instincts on this — you are NOT being too picky! My suggestion is take the resume off career builder for employers to view as they please and, although it’s more work, make the effort to only send it to those you really want to see it. The annoying calls will stop, and in the end you could end up doing something you truly want.
    I know this post is about 10 days old, so who knows, you may have found a job already! But, if you’re still in the same unemployed boat — again my best advice is listen to your instincts! You are so right, you should be enjoying this time. I totally understand, easier said than done, because up until 3 weeks ago when I started at my first real big girl job, I was in the same frame of mind. I drove myself crazy and felt like I had no purpose and therefore I had failed the amazing education I had received at GV. But what it’s hard to understand when you’re actually in that moment is that these things take time. It’ll eventually happen when it’s supposed to. It will happen! So enjoy your time now, take it for what it’s worth — because once you enter the career world, life drastically changes and time no longer becomes your own.

    Okayyyy, I think I’ve written enough for one post :) Keep smiling, girlie!

    <3 Steph

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